I'm Cringing Already
You can do anything, you lucky bastard; you’re alive. What’s a little pain compared to that?
Nathaniel Fisher
Sam Elliot just called me, told me his name was Dave, and apologized for having the wrong number.

Don’t try to trick me, Sam Elliot, I know your voice when I hear it.

420 days of sobriety. 

Blaze it…?

420 days of sobriety.

Blaze it…?

That's a different island, sweetheart.
Sister: *Takes a shot of Jameson*
Sister: Ew, don't give me any more of that Jamaican shit...
At my littlest sister’s 21 run.

She’s making all the boys buy her drinks. THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.

I’ve had so many root beers…

(I’m the DD).
I’m officially a teacher.

I’m officially a teacher.

It’s a “Hey mom, do you have any Xanax left?” day.

It’s a “Hey mom, do you have any Xanax left?” day.

You can catch a fly with honey, but you can catch more honeys being fly.
Found on facebook, and also my new life motto.
Backdoor Tomfoolery
Boss: Alright, let's go over our backdoor policy...
Me: *Purses lips to avoid smiling*
Boss: *Chuckles*
Me: *Can't contain laughter*
Boss: *Can't contain laughter*
Me: I'M SO SORRY; I TRIED SO HARD TO BE PROFESSIONAL.
Boss: WE ARE TWELVE YEARS OLD.
You and me both wish, Frohike.

You and me both wish, Frohike.

Someone got a little tired of the summer heat.

First day at my new job! Wish me luck!

The tree outside my bedroom window that is evidently full of nests crammed with baby birds makes me want to get a cat to stop the cacophony of screeching but that seems like a mean-spirited thing to do and besides I’m more of a dog person so I guess that says a lot about my mental state at the moment that I’d rather let nature take it’s course than close my window even though it’s super hot inside.

Maybe a dog that climbs trees. Or a lion.

And just as I’m thinking, “Hey, maybe Lisa disappeared like all those people in The Leftovers; Six Feet Under is like a prequel to the Leftovers,” the crazy bagel-disappearing sheriff shows up! Only he has a French horn and feeds stray cats… Okay, so maybe it IS the same crazy character…

I’ve always wanted a really big tattoo on my outer thigh. Not just any tattoo. I want a really well-done zombie head. Not like a cutesy Plants vs. Zombies zombie head. I want a disgusting, bloody, open-wound, dripping blood, skin peeling, bones showing, severed zombie head. Something that people look at and get that look on their face, like, “This is so disgusting, I think I’m going to vomit.” That’s what I want. I want something on the outside to show how I feel sometimes on the inside.

I’m obviously in a transitionary period in my life. New job, new car, new relationship possibilities, the start of my career right around the corner. I feel a little gross inside. I obviously can’t afford it right now, but my birthday is right around the corner, right?

As gross as I sometimes feel on the inside, I still can’t crush my optimism.