I woke up this morning in a really weird head space. I don’t claim to have the worst of all cases of anxiety or depression, but things going on upstairs have been known to get a little low from time to time. Especially during winter, when I was in school, when I was drinking, so basically all the time up until a little more than a year ago. But I woke up and just couldn’t think of anything that I was good at. What brought this on is that I’ve been seeing someone, fairly casually, and I’m just not good at relationships. I mean you could have told me that after my divorce, but I might not have believed you.
But starting last summer and up until now, I’ve had a few casual relationships. They stayed casual, and then ended. None ended with anyone’s death, or wishing the other person’s death, but not all of them (maybe one) ended satisfyingly, or maybe comfortably is a better word?
The problem is me. I take full responsibility for those, and any other relationship of mine that hasn’t worked out. I’m not GOOD at relationships. I’m very BAD at them. Maybe it’s lack of practice, maybe it’s just that I’m a terrible person. I have my positive characteristics, for sure; I’m very caring, I’ve been learning how to be honest with my feelings and my intentions, even if that means I don’t know what I want yet. But maybe the whole caring thing isn’t enough, even paired with honesty. Because I feel like I am a boring person to be in a relationship with. I get so wrapped up in my head that I forget that it is supposed to be fun. I have insecurities. I get jealous. Man, do I get jealous. It’s terrible! Sometimes nothing will make me feel better in knowing where a relationship is going than constant reassurance that the other person is yes, still interested in me, and only me. Which is stupid. In every other aspect of my life I am a really laid back guy. I AM a fun person to hang out with. But when I start seeing someone, why does that change? Why am I so concerned about what the other person thinks of me, or what they say to other people about me?
One thing I learned in marriage counseling (lol, shut up) that stuck with me was to never speak ill of your partner to your family or friends. Because even if whatever issue you’re talking to them about gets resolved between you and your partner, your friend/family member will still only remember that one thing you did. The negatives. I feel like people need to have a safe person they can talk to about issues that are going in their relationship, but shoot, I hope that the person is neutral, otherwise they’re going to hate me a LOT. Anyone I see is going to have a shitload of things to complain about.
And I think that those are my two biggest concerns in a relationship. Honesty, meaning, “hey, are you interested in me and only me?” And what I’m being presented as to their friends.
So in this casual relationship I’m in, I’ve had some really rough anxiety days. Because of those two issues. And I realized after thinking about it all day (yes, I’ve had a SHITTY day) that it was because I had stopped having fun. Because of those two issues. I felt like my needs weren’t being met in those two areas. Yes, this person has been honest with me about not being interested in anyone else, but I’m just SO caught up inside my own fucked up insecurities that I refused to believe it! I was literally choosing to be unhappy. And I’m sure that because I was being so insecure and serious about everything that I WAS being talked about to their friends in a negative way. I CAUSED MY OWN DESTRUCTION.
The way I was caught up in this constant second guessing myself with their intentions, my intentions, who are they talking to about me, what are they saying, I became someone who was not myself. And I realize that this is what I do. This is what I’m bad at.
So today I was going to make a list of all the things that I’m bad at, and post it as some sort of public crucifixion of myself; “Look at me, I am the worst.” But I realize that shoot, that’s not super helpful to myself and what I’m trying to accomplish. I want to be me. I want to be laid back and laugh and not have to worry about the stupid shit I’ve been worried about. I want to be interested in the person I’m seeing, not in who the person I’m seeing is talking to about me. So today (this morning, whatever) I’m taking the things I’m bad at and actually working on them. I’m ready to be fun to be around again.
And as long as they don’t share my tumblr URL with anyone, then we’re cool.
|—||File under, “Nicest things said to me by a drunk man.”|
So I need a plain shirt that won’t draw too much attention if I’m going out with friends…
This shirt got me way too much attention. And a sandwich.
Heck, the taillight I bought for my backpack was just as expensive after tax.
White people problems.
perks of dating me: there are none. don’t get your hopes up.